An experiment in egocide, or, getting out of my own way
It’s funny how I can be out milking the goat or raking leaves or just siting, anywhere that’s not in front of my computer and I can think of all kinds of great things to write. I am a regular Steinbeck when I’m in my car driving; unfortunately, as soon as I sit down in front of the magic box I am at a loss for words. Really pisses me off.
One thing I do know is that I’d love to write a blog for God. I have no idea how that would look, what topics I would cover or what the focus would be. I just know it’s an idea that won’t leave me be. I think about it at night in bed when I can’t sleep because I have a million amazing words running around like crazy children in my brain. I think about it when I get out of church and I’ve just heard an amazing message and I want to share it, expound on it, just DO SOMETHING with it besides file it away in that one file drawer in my head that I can never get unstuck when I really need to look at what’s inside there.
I think part of my hang-up is that I can’t tell for whom I would really be doing it, this writing thing? Is it for His glory? Or mine? And if it’s both, how do I kill my own ego so that He can speak through me and then, how do I know if I have actually achieved egocide? Getting out of your own head and your own way so that God can work through you has got to be one of the hardest things in this life to do. Ego has brought down more pastors and Christian musicians than I can count, not to mention us regular folk who think that we’re doing our fellow Christians a favor by imparting our “wisdom” and our “judgment” upon them whether they need it or not.
Ecclesiastes says, “-all is vanity”(Ecclesiastes 1:2). Those are probably the truest words I’ve ever read. Well, seeing as God seems to have given me at least the ability to string a decent sentence together that most people can comprehend, and also given me the talent and opportunity to own and operate a really nifty computer, Maybe the first step to getting out of my own way is to shut up and try. After all, you never know until you, well, you know the rest.
So welcome to my first experiment in getting out of my own way and into God’s way. I don’t know yet where this blog is going or even if anyone but me, my husband and my faithful kids will read this, but, in order to get some kinda sleep at night I need to get these unruly words onto a computer screen and out into the world. I hope you find something worth reading here, something that you won’t file away forever in your own sticky file drawer.
Here’s to getting out of your own way; here’s to taking chances.